insomnia

So, I have been taking lay counsel training, and am starting to understand how important it is to be in touch with my own emotions. It’s been magnificently soul satisfying to share parts of my heart, psyche and life that I’ve never shared with “strangers” before. There is something powerful about that, and we are learning to trust each other. I think we’ve all experienced the awesome privilege of being let in and letting others in to our deepest thoughts and fears, in some part, and finding safety and acceptance there. This is the right and beautiful, alive way to live life - being in true connection and relationship, with open communication with others, esp. those in Christ.

I often think and thought esp. today, how in years from now, I will look back at this point in my life and “laugh”. I will probably chide myself for having been so emotionally distraught over some events. I may meet friends again and we may be older and wiser, and able to figure out why we behaved poorly and lacked faith at times. And how God amazed us by showing us things using people, places and events in our younger days. I sound like an old fogie, don’t I? Ha! Just kidding.

A few years ago, I decided to buy a flower each week, to renew in myself a sense of freshness and vigor for life. And recall the fleeting and beautiful nature of each day of my life as its own singular event. Of course, I stopped doing this for a few years already now. But this week, I wanted to visibly and tangibly remind myself again of the tenderness and fragility of life. This week, I needed both a long, soul-stirring walk with God, a true tender conversation in the sunlight and breeze with my Lord. I stopped by “Stems” our local flower shop, to buy a flower (bright golden yellow rose in full bloom). I needed a pick me up this week in particular to remind me how bright and hope-filled and wonderful life truly is.

I received a bit of information recently which pricked my heart. It revealed to me how incredibly sensitive and longsuffering my commitments are. I fully admit to being a sensitive and artistic soul. And so, I esp. needed a few bouts of crying, great amounts of prayer, brokenness, some insomnia at its best, and most importantly soul time with GOD. God spoke to me, even without words, but also thru the Bible, and through the sun and the breeze and my tears as I sat in the park. I had asked for His presence with me this week to “just be with” me, and help me with these unexpected deep emotions. I told God that I just desperately needed Him. He was there, and His presence was reassuring. This is now the last week-day of this week, and I am really at peace!

These emotions have been so precious, so good. And in seeking God’s presence in them, He has purified my heart and allowed me to feel positive emotions in spite of information that was seemingly upsetting from a worldly perspective. Another thing I have felt in my emotions is that sharing these things will benefit others. Somehow, last night in my insomniac state, I guess something just told me that it would be fun to start a blog.

I really don’t know if this blog will help anyone, but I’m finding it both therapeutic and hopefully with a sense of purpose in writing these daily events. Our lives are so, so, so beautiful, but we need to truly live. We need to “emote or die”. I remember one relationship/friendship I was in from my past. I remember always wishing that we had communicated our emotions better. So, I would encourage you, friend, to communicate your emotions with great care but without shame, and always with prayerfulness if they are strong emotions to be shared. Our individual emotions are so unique - no other person can have your emotions - no copycats, only you experience them, and I believe that is what makes us so beautiful. We are precious flowers, soon to pass away, but what will be our legacy? Won’t our emotions and writings be part of our legacy? Won’t the deepest things in our heart, which we sought to live out daily, be our most important legacy? I’m thinking it will.

One note I want to tack on here at the end, is about safety and boundaries regarding emotions. While I think expressing ourselves is important, I think it’s even more important to know when to stop. This is where boundaries come into play, and protecting and maintaining integrity in what we say and do. There is a point at which we are overdoing our emotions and being reckless and careless. This is not the right, beautiful way to live. This is the fool’s inheritance; may God help us to know when and how to put boundaries in our emotions. I trust He really will guide us if we seek His heart in how to put up boundaries to protect both ourselves and others emotionally.

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