insomnia

It’s 3:22 am…I suffer from occassional insomnia. Esp. when I receive emotionally stressing news, esp. when I am excited, esp. when I’ve been to a stimulating party, whatever else..only the Lord knows. Decided to put my insomnia to use and B-L-O-G…fun.

I also want to express thru this blog that I am not perfect. Many thoughts and feelings I enter may not be entirely role model worthy…even though I am a little Christ, trying to follow Him. I am not perfect, but I strive for holiness. Just like insomnia reveals I have my worries and my fears, but I want to claim the verse that Paul wrote about how God’s power is made perfect in our weakness. I will try to find the exact Scripture reference later. My current Bible has no index!

A blog is supposed to not be perfect, but a peek into a person’s mind, spirit and soul. I’m letting you into my world, and it feels rather dangerous and reckless…wild child side…but it’s okay. Vulnerability, honesty and learning to love God and share Christ more with my life are what it’s all about. I am not going to pretend on here, to be some perfect person, that is why I’ve chosen to call the blog INSOMNIA. Let’s be REAL and stop pretending. Let’s share the kind of thoughts that keep us up at night!! And be unashamed, because we know that God/Christ is bigger than those insomnia inducing thoughts.

My insomnia is usually due to my own worry. So, it’s not a pretty picture. I don’t intend for this to be flowery and beautiful, but I hope it will encourage you nonetheless, as I also don’t intend to introduce unhealthy or negative thoughts either. I hope it will promote freedom to struggle with self and become more like Christ thru the struggle. By showing that we do struggle, we do have anxious thoughts, but they do NOT overtake us, because our minds are stayed in Christ.

All of a sudden, I’m flashing back to HIGH SCHOOL. Oh, the wonder years..well, I just remember having a journal and writing in it, all my crazy, dramatic thoughts. And never wanting anyone to read them, but always wishing I had the courage to let everyone read them and know who I really was. A classmate wondered, “what do you write in that little book, Blenda?”

I’ve always had this fascination and desire to be known. Since I was young, I remember wishing I could be famous someday. So funny! And one of my romantic notions, I’ve always expressed is that the man of my dreams will truly understand me. My dad says, “You’re asking for too much!” That cracks me up & it’s probably true!

Paradoxically, I grew up being rather shy. I am not very, very shy anymore, but I am shy in a way that I can’t quite explain or predict. It’s a shyness that suddenly comes upon me, but that I have the ability to shrug off, even if I’m not totally comfortable, to push myself out of. I have different levels of shyness, and am generally very pensive but do not speak much in public forums. So, this is a big risk for me, but I think it’s worth taking. I love to write and journal, and often send intense, little notes in e-mails to people.

There are some details I won’t delve into in this blog, for the sake of discretion. But I do want to be real and unashamed here, and hope YOU will do the same, if you choose to comment, or just in your own life. It’s very healthy to express onself honestly and openly I am learning this in the lay counseling training I am taking at church.

So, this past year of 2007…what a doozy. I’ve been up and down in emotions, I’ve been desperate for God, I’ve been desperate for man, I’ve been good, I’ve been bad, I’ve tried to seek Christ and know Him more.

I’m taking this incredible online course called, “Perspectives on the World Christian Movement”. It’s impacted my life in extraordinary ways, in terms of my desire to do missions work. It’s taught me about apostolic passion - my interpretation of that is that we have to be willing to suffer for what we are passionate about. And what we are to be truly passionate about is CHRIST - Yes, Jesus Christ. Not afraid to say His name - it is the Best name of all. He is our Salvation, and the Hope of all nations.

I look a bit like and could be pegged as a “yuppie”. But, I don’t like to mold myself into that label. One thing about yuppie-ness that irks me is in my Christian walk. I don’t want to become rich, fat, well-fed and spiritually unchallenged and inert. (yucky yuppie, yucky yucky!!) this maybe sounds harsh, but I see people like that in churches. People no longer pushing for Christ, and struggling with themselves. People SUCCUMBING to the world, and forgetting where our true home is. Laughing off spiritual challenges and sacrifice, because they hold the free ticket to Heaven. I do it too sometimes!!! And I am sorry for it, and try to regain focus when I fall too deeply into that.

So, I do like clothes. I won’t deny it. Why should I lie? I sometimes try to dress down so as not to look more yuppie-like. But I try to remember how God REQUIRES us to clothe ourselves in Colossians 3:12 [NLT], “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with:

- tenderhearted mercy
- kindness
- humility
- gentleness
-and, patience

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with:
- love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the
- peace, that comes from Christ rule in your hearts…..
- let the message of Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives…
- teach and counsel each other with the wisdom he gives
- sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts
- and whatever you do or say,
- do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father

This past year, I have at times retained anger about various situations in my life. Words spoken to me, or actions not taken or taken poorly in my opinion, insensitivity, rude customers, bad drivers, conversations gone wrong. But each time, I recall that I am commanded to forgive, and anything less would make me the biggest hypocrite of all, as one forgiven for EVERY sin I’ve ever committed.

Then, after remembering, I’ve been inspired to tangibly forgive. By taking actions, such as telling someone a good thing they’ve brought into my life, doing more than they would normally expect, and so on.

Wow, I’m getting tired now…

My final thought: forgive as the Lord forgave you, wear the required clothes of Christian life (see above). This will identify YOU with the uniform of a child of the King.

One thing I’ve noticed working with the public is how easily some people become mad about little things. Yes, we get mad, but no, we cannot hold onto it. We are required, not optional, to forgive. We are also commanded to clothe ourselves with the opposite of anger - tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you…

I’m finally ready to sleep. Here ends the insomnia.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS